Fall of the Dementors
by Draco Cake
Summary: In which Voldemort borrows heavily from Lord of the Rings, Harry chills out, and Dumbledore debuts his nickname. Oh, and the Dementors are destroyed. Crack. Pure and utter crack, with a side-helping of making-fun-of-fanfics. Enjoy.


_**A/N**__: Hello, world! It was, like, two in the morning when I thought up this story. I was drunk with sleep so I was a bit crazy. And I just LOVE makin' fun of ol' Voldy. My sister, __Colouredsoul, laughed like a maniac when she read this one. Please, please, please with sugar, whipped cream and a cherry on top, REVIEW! This story is dedicated to my sister cuz she asked me to, and 'cause she gave me ideas._

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><p>"Eureka!" Voldy snapped his fingers. "I know egg-zact-ly how I'm going to destroy Harry Potter this time!"<p>

Bella opened her eyes wide. "How, milord?" she asked.

"Well, it's this way, milady," explained Voldy, jumping up out of his sparkly purple office swivel chair and hopping up and down in his excitement. "I'm going to send forth all Dementor legions."

Bella looked disappointed. "You're not very original, milord," she sighed. "'Send forth all legions' is in Lord Of The Rings, remember?"

Voldy turned purple-er than he already was. "Shut up, milady!" he screeched. "The line is _mine_ and_ mine _alone! No one else, not even stupid ringwraiths with tacky gloves are allowed to use it!" Voldy then proceeded to hop all around the room on one leg chanting, "Mine, mine, mine!"

Sever-it Snape was also in the room. He was on an elephant-shaped beanbag in the corner reading _The Hot List _by Hillary Homzie (who was, by the way, his _fave_ author) He was getting to a really interesting part when Voldy hopped by on one leg and used his other leg to kick the book right outta Sever-it's grasp.

"Get crackin'," screamed Voldy. "I want ya to summon the Dementors from all five corners of the earth—"

"There are only four corners to the earth, milord," said Sever-it, angry that Voldy had interrupted his quality reading time.

"And even that's just an expression," squeaked Bella, eager to put in her two cents. "It's a manner of figurative speech, as the earth is round with no corners—"

"Shut up!" screeched Voldy. "The earth was originally a square! Then this huge thing took it and shaved off all it's corners, so now it's a ball! And I should know, because I'm the head of my history class!"

"Uh," said Bella.

"Er," said Sever-it. "That's not exact—"

But he couldn't finish, as Voldy tucked up one of his legs and resumed his hop around the room. "Now, Sever-it," he ordered. "Fetch all my Dementors and get a spiky Sauron-helmet and Nazgul-gloves for their leader. Have them march in orderly rows, and chant in Orcish. Oh, and a few black banners with white hands on them would be nice," he added as an afterthought.

Bella gaped. "But, milord, that's plagiarism!"

"No it ain't," snapped Voldy. "It's recycling. Now, Sever-it, get movin'!"

"But milord—" gasped Sever-it.

"Are you going to listen to me or do I have to sock you a good one?" roared Voldy.

"I-I-I'll go at once, milord!" gasped Sever-it.

"Then go now, damn it!" roared Voldy.

Sever-it gaped for a few seconds. Then he gathered up his skirts and dropped a curtsey. Then he spun on his heel and swooped like the overgrown bat he was out of the room.

"Now," said Voldy. "Just you wait. Tomorrow Harry Potter will be history!" He settled down comfortably in his purple office chair. "Now, go away, Bella, I'm going to check my email."

Bella bowed and walked out to help Sever-it.

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><p>But she couldn't find him because he had not gone to carry out Voldy's orders. He'd gone to Triple-Window instead. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore had earned the nickname Triple-Window when a terrified first-year had mumbled his name as, "Professor Double-Door," so just to make it funnier, everyone called him Triple-Window.<p>

Triple-Window was currently on the window seat reading a knitting magazine, when Sever-it burst in.

"Triple-Window!" he screeched. "Voldy's trying to rally all the dementors for an attack on Potter at Privet Drive!"

"Goodness gracious!" Triple-Window jumped off the sill, knitting mag going flying. "What must we do?"

"I don't know!" Sever-it was nearly in hysterics because in this fanfic he looooves Potter cuz he's Lily's son, _glarg_ take James. "We can't keep a thousand Dementors at bay, we don't have enough people!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh_ dear_!" Triple-Window ran around the room in circles wildly waving and wringing his hands cuz he thought Harry was a remarkable chap too.

Then Nymph Tonka walked in. Flipping her lime-green-streaked-with-magenta-hair, she asked, "What seems to be the problem, gents?"

"Voldy's sending forth all Dementor legions to get rid of Potter!" wailed Sever-it.

"And we can't save him this time!" lamented Triple-Window. Then both of them jumped up and down and yelled, "Oh no, oh no, _OH NO!_," in unison.

But Tonka wasn't even ruffled, no siree bob.

"Geez, what's the matter with you?" shrieked Triple-Window. "Are you completely heartless or what?"

"No," said Tonka, idly examining her orange-and-purple nails "It's just this: does Voldy even know where Potter lives?"

Silence. You could even hear crickets, which was ridiculous because it was the middle of the day. (Something which movie directors never seem to realize).

Tonka looked up. "I will say no more," Flashing them a smug smile with her silvery-purple lipsticked mouth, she left the room. Triple-Window made the loser symbol after her, and Sever-it stuck out his tongue. Triple-Window turned back to Sever-it.

"Is it true that Voldy doesn't know where Potter lives?"

"Well, um...," stuttered Sever-it. "Well, I'm pretty sure that, well, er..."

"HE DOESN'T KNOW!" yelled Triple-Window. "THAT IS SO TOTALLY CHEAP! YOU KNOW I THINK POTTER WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU! YOU'RE ON VOLDY'S SIDE, NOT OURS, THE HECK WITH LILY!"

"No—" gasped Sever-it. "Not at all...why...why do you think that I—"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE WASTING MY BLASTED TIME!" Triple-Window was livid. "NOW GO FIND OUT IF VOLDY KNOWS WERE POTTER LIVES AND IF YOU EVEN _THINK_ OF BETRAYING US YOU'RE...YOU'RE _RASPBERRY JAM__!"_

Too terrified to speak, Sever-it dropped a breathless curtsey. Then he remembered that Triple-Window would consider it treason because he always curtsied to Voldy. Sever-it disapparated before Triple-Window could whip out his raspberry-jam-making tools.

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><p>Ten minutes later, Sever-it burst through the door to Voldy's bedroom. Voldy swivelled around. "Ah, Sever-it!" he smiled "Is everything in order?"<p>

Sever-it gulped. "Um, yeah, milord," he lied. "It's just that...uh..."

Voldy frowned. "What?"

"The Dementor chief was thinking," lied Sever-it. "Do you even _know_ where Potter lives?"

Voldy was stumped. His perfect, crisp-as-Cheerios plan had come crashing down around his...well, where his nose would be if he had one. "Oh, no," he said, sinking into his sparkly purple office chair.

Phew! Sever-it was relived. Potter was safe. "Ah, milord, it's not so bad," he flashed Voldy the cheesiest consolation grin in the world.

Then Bella came in. Seeing Voldy's long face, she asked, "'S'a'matter, milord?"

Voldy explained, while Sever-it did a mental victory dance. His mental self was just doing some pirouettes when Bella ruined everything. "How about Google maps, milord?"

Silence.

Then Voldy screamed, "YOU'RE A GENIUS, BELLA!" Sever-it's mental self landed with a thump in a sitting position, dance ended abruptly. Voldy shot out of his office chair and smooched Bella a big one smack on the lips. Then he turned on his computer.

"Er," said Sever-it. "Gotta go...a few last-minute arrangements, you know..." and Apparated straight to Triple-Window's room.

Triple-Window was on his computer, Tonka and Mr. Weasley behind him. "Ah, Sever-it!" he beamed. "I apologize for losing my temper half an hour ago. I realized Voldy would probably find out where Potter lives, so I began to plan. It was Tonka who came up with the idea, actually, and we needed Weasley to carry it out."

"What are you doing?" Sever-it was mystified. He looked at the screen. On it was an order for a million cartons of chocolate milk. "What?" gasped Sever-it.

"You'll see!" Triple-Window, Weasley and Tonka all beamed. Weasley whipped out his BlackBerry and typed an order for fifty motion-activated sprinklers from Canadian Tire, even though that doesn't make any sense cuz these dudes are British. Sever-it was flabbergasted.

* * *

><p><em>The next day...<em>

Harry Potter sat in a lawn chair on the lawn of his aunt and uncle's house reading the latest issue of the _Cos__mogirl! _Magazine. Fifty motion-activated sprinklers lined the perimeter of the house. It was a pleasantly sunny day but Potter didn't seem a bit ruffled when everything started to freeze over and the sun was covered in clouds and fog. In fact, he only looked up when an army of Dementors with black banners (with white hands on them) chanting in Orcish marched down Privet Drive. The leader was wearing Nazgul-gloves and a Sauron-helmet.

"Hello!" Potter waved at them. "Beautiful day, isn't it? Join me for a glass of lemonade?"

The leader drew his sword. "Give up your soul, he-human," he growled in a Nazgul-voice, exactly as Voldy had told him to do.

"Oho!" Potter was impressed. "_O__ho!_ Playing Lord Of The Rings, are you? Well, I'll play along." he drew his lemonade straw from his glass like a sword and made his voice as Arwen-ish as possible. "If you want it, come and claim it!"

The Dementors drew their swords. Potter looked from side to side and began yelling gibberish.

Just as the leader of the Dementors stepped onto the lawn, the fifty sprinklers detected him. The day before, Triple-Window had dumped all the chocolate milk into a HUGE vat and buried it under the lawn. Weasley had rigged the sprinklers up to it.

So the Dementor chief was squirted with chocolate milk. Now, I don't know what J.K. Rowling says, but in this fanfic Dementors can't stand chocolate. It's fatal to them.

The Dementor chief screeched and began folding up egg-zact-ly like the Nazgul chief in _Return Of The King._ He died. But the Dementors kept on coming. They marched on and on, too busy trying to get their chanting egg-zact-ly right (Voldy had threatened to turn them into guacamole if they got ONE syllable wrong) to notice the sprinklers. One by one, screeching, they all folded up and died exactly like the first one.

When the last one was gone, Potter jumped up and down and tossed up his _Cosmogirl! _Mag. He jumped up and down and whooped. Triple-Window, Tonka, Weasley and Sever-it rushed out. Upon seeing the remains of the Dementors, they jumped up and down and celebrated too. Sever-it did his victory dance for real.

Tonka changed her hair colour to every colour in the rainbow (and out of it, too) and swirled and tossed her hair like an Arabic dancer. Triple-Window tossed his witches-hat-with-a-stuffed-vulture-on-the-brim into the air repeatedly. Weasley did cartwheels and somersaults. Last of all, they all linked arms and did the can-can.

An hour later, Sever-it pasted on his saddest face and most boo-hoo-est attitude and went to inform Voldy of the power he knew not-chocolate milk. Voldy was so mad he screamed his head off, so that was the end of him. And Bella soon followed him, because, you know, I had to kill her off somehow.

And the world lived happily ever after.

THE END.


End file.
